


It’s a not so super life

by Gavi



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, SuperCorp, spoilers for supergirl 100th episode, supergirl 100th episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22907881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gavi/pseuds/Gavi
Summary: what happened with Lena Luthor in the four realities that Kara created to fix things between them.The four alternate realities from Lena's point of view.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 22
Kudos: 171





	1. I’m sorry I wasn’t there

**Author's Note:**

> I'm planning on writing five part story where we will see Lena in each reality and what went on in her mind, and lastly we will see her in the current timeline when supergirl went to see her.  
> Spoilers up to the 100th episode, i.e. supergirl season 5 episode 13, It's a super life. This would also make much more sense if you have watch the 100th episode.

“Lena just take a breath please” she heard Sam say. She felt a hand grip her forearm and turn her around. She was facing Sam. She struggled out of her grip. It was a nightmare finding a cab in this city. The kryptonite had everyone in a panicked state, but what do they have to panic about? She had a vague idea where she was going but everything around her was drowned out into a haze of chaos. “Lena stop” Sam was standing in front of her. “move” Lena said. “no, you have to listen to me please. Please listen to me” Sam gripped both of her shoulders.

“what?” she snapped.

“What are you planning to do? Walk to National City? You are not going to make it.” Sam said. “you don’t know that” Lena said, ignoring how childish she sounded. Sam pulled her into a hug. Lena didn’t hug her back. “maybe I can call Eve. I have an idea, maybe she will be able to help” She said. Sam broke off the hug to look at Lena. She ran a finger on Lena’s cheek. Lena realized she was wiping a tear. “Think about it” Sam said. “please Lena, just think about it. If you were in national city then maybe you could have saved her. But do you really think Eve can do something in time?” Lena knew but she wouldn’t have admitted it. “I can try. I have to try.” She said.

“Lena” Sam said like she was talking to a child. “Stop it Sam. Stop saying my name like that. Stop acting like I’m your daughter. I’m not being delusional, she needs me, I have to help her” Lena shouted. Or at least she thought she did. “I have to do something” this time she knew it came out barely more than a whisper.

“Alex is there with her. And that future guy” Sam said. “Brainy” Lena said. “right. And you know the entire DEO is there. They will find her and they will find a way to help her. Kara is in good hands.” Sam said. Okay, Okay. “You’re right” Lena said. she took a deep breath. “You’re right but I’m going to call Eve anyway”. So what if Eve found out about the DEO the only thing that mattered right now was Supergirl. No, the only thing that was important right then was Kara. She took out her phone and as she was about to press call on Eve’s number, she got a call from Alex.

For a second she didn’t know how to move. For a second her mind was blank. Then she picked up the phone and said, “how is she?” “Not good” Alex said. “We need your help Lena. Get here as fast as you can. We can’t save her, not in time, hurry.” She tried, she tried really hard to keep her voice steady. “Alex” she said, not sure if Alex heard her. “don’t cry Lena just get her” Alex sounded annoyed. She is going to hate me forever, Lena thought. “Alex I can’t. I’m in Metropolis, I can’t make it.” She had never heard Alex swear. She heard other voices, then Alex was back on line. “where exactly in Metropolis Lena? J’onn said he can come and find you.” Lena told her. Her heart was pounding so hard. She was aware of every second that was ticking by. Alex was still on the line with her. Sam was holding her free hand. She understood what was going on from Lena’s one-sided conversation.

“I’ve been working on this kryptonite resistant suit.” She said. “It’s in my lab beneath L corp.” “on it” Alex said. “no wait, find Eve, she has most of the safety codes. And call me if you have any problem, or if you can’t find Eve or anything goes south.” She said. “I will” Alex said. “how is she?” Lena asked again. She was sure Alex didn’t hear her this time because there was no answer for two seconds. “not good. I have to go Lena; I’ll stay in touch” the line went dead. Lena looked at the time, it’s been eight minuets since she noticed the kryptonite in the air. She didn’t know how long it has been since Kara came in contact with it. She couldn’t tell how long she would have to wait before she could see Kara.

“You built a kryptonite resistant suit?” Sam asked. “Yes. If I was going to make Kryptonite, I was going to make something to protect Supergirl from it.” Sam looked at her strangely. “Oh of course you did Lena” she said. “He’s taking his time. Kara is so fast, so incredibly fast. She would be here in a matter of seconds. I don’t know how long it will take J’onn.” Lena wanted Sam to reassure again. Lena needed someone to tell her Kara was going to be okay. But she knew Sam wouldn’t give her false hope. She could feel time fleeting away from her. She could feel every second. She could do nothing but to stand there and wait.

Her phone had barely vibrated when she freed her hand from Sam’s and fumbled to pick it up. “Lena I can’t get a hold of Eve.” Alex said. “Our agents are on their way, I’m going to link you to them okay” “yeah, okay I’ll walk them through.” Eve was so fired after this. “Lena please tell me you don’t have biometric scans in place” Alex said. The whole world slowed down and stopped. The only thing she could hear was her own heart beating frantically. She needed all her strength to say, “I have”. The silence that fell physically hurt her. “how long do we have Alex?” She asked. “Not long enough” Alex’s voice had been firm and strong until then but she could detect the panic in it. Lena could do nothing but stand there and wait.

**

She had accounted for every second. She had drawn out six different scenarios of what would have happened if she was still in national city. And she landed on the conclusion that if she had been at L Corp... She had talked to Brainy about it, and he said there was a ninety-one-percent chance she could have saved Kara if she had stayed in National City. If only she was here when Kara needed her.

She couldn’t bring herself to go to Kara’s funeral. She remembered Alex’s face when she had Pressed the compressed suit on Kara’s chest. It covered her but her heartbeat never came back. Alex looked broken, numb. She didn’t say a word. She turned and hurried away. Lena thought about going after her but she was frozen beside Kara. After she took the suit off, she took a look at Supergirl. She saw the face of her best friend. She saw the hair, she saw that scar Kara had. She remembered those eyes, the exact same eyes of Kara, the exact same eyes of her hero. She should have known. She couldn’t believe how blind she had been. She wanted to say so much but she couldn’t. She would never be able to.

So here she was in the middle of the night, snuck away from Sam’s supervision, at Kara’s grave. She knew Kara wasn’t in there, that it was a grave full of mementos, that Kara’s body was somewhere out there in space the way Kryptonian did it. But this was the only place she could be to be near Kara. She sat there on her knees in front of Kara’s gravestone. “I’m sorry” she said. “I’m so sorry Kara.” She sobbed because no one was going to see her now. No one will judge her or pity her now.

“I was so mad Kara. So mad about how you acted. You made me believe I was more than my family, and then you thought I was a villain. I was so angry that you didn’t tell me, but it doesn’t matter. If I could have you back, I’ll do it. I wish you haven’t told me, because not knowing you are Supergirl would have been infinitely better than this. Even if you think I’m a Villain, even if you hate me, even if you were only pretending to be my friend, all of that would have been worth it, if it was going to keep you alive. I can live in a world where we are enemies, I can live in a world where you hate me but I don’t know if I can live in a world where you are gone.” She had to stop because she couldn’t control her sobs. For a while she sat there sobbing in silence. “I forgive you Kara, I’m not mad anymore. I know it’s too late but I hope you can forgive me too. I shouldn’t have left. You have always saved me but when you needed me the most, I couldn’t be there for you and it cost you your life. I hope you can forgive me Kara, because I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself.”

Lena sat there for a long time. She didn’t move, not until Sam found her. God bless for Sam. She took her home and poured her a drink. She Sat with Lena for a long time. She stayed the week, but then she had to go back. She called everyday but she had to get back to her life. Alex called her once in a while. She wasn’t mad. She just wanted to talk to someone who loved Kara. She called a few more times, but then she went back to her family. James came to see her a few times, and then one day he stopped. They were broken up. She knew it. The world went on, and people moved on. And Lena tried that too. She really did. But no matter how hard she tried, even after years, the last time she was truly happy was when her best friend surprised her with a take away from Big Belly Burger.


	2. To fall asleep in your arms.

Lena ignored Kara’s third voice message of that day. She was surprised at only the third, it was the lowest in past six days. She was going to listen to it later, maybe before she left her lab to go find Supergirl and Reign, maybe at night when she couldn’t sleep but right now, she couldn’t afford any distractions. Everything that happened in the past month was playing through her mind as she worked. Kara was Supergirl. Kara, her Kara was the girl of steel. She was a Kryptonian. No now wasn’t the time for that.

“ _Lena_ ” she heard Kara’s voice. She knew damn well Kara wasn’t actually there. She had been hearing that voice for past week. The moment when Kara fell in front of her. When Alex came running and demanded to know what happened _. Lena._ Kara wasn’t here. She was trying to protect Sam’s mother. Sam wasn’t Sam anymore she was Reign; Kara wasn’t Kara anymore she was Supergirl. Her two closest friends were kryptonians and they might end up killing each other if she didn’t do something. Kara might have lied to her; Kara might be a Kryptonian but she was still Kara. She would never take another life no matter what. She would rather die than kill someone innocent, and Sam was innocent. Lena also knew that there were times when Supergirl, where Kara was left with no choices but to kill. When it came to a fight between them, Lena didn’t want to imagine what would happen, so as much as she wanted to hear Kara’s voice, she ignored it. She needed to work.

Kryptonite might have made her work easier and faster. But she couldn’t bring herself to use it. Lex had extensive research on the effects of kryptonite on Kryptonians. He described it in such a way that at one point she had to throw away that file out of disgust. She couldn’t stop imagining anything like happening to Kara. She remembered Kara crashing through, worried about her, wanting to take her to safety and how her expression changed when she saw Sam at her lab. She remembered Supergirl, Kara getting even more hostile and stiff wen she mentioned Kryptonite. She remembered the way her sadist brother described the pain of a Kryptonian. She had to find a way to work without Kryptonite, for Kara’s sake.

 _Lena_.

**

She was done. At least she thought she was, she hoped she was. She could have used more time to prepare, to test more, to be sure, but Kara and Sam needed her now. She had to take a calculated risk. She was about to leave, but she decided to listen to one of Kara’s voice messages first. It was so hard not to pick up her call in the first place. She knew that she shouldn’t have her phone with her in the first place but Kara and Sam were treading through dangerous territories and Alex told her she would call if something went south. She ended up listening to all three of them.

“ _hey Lena, it’s me again. In case you didn’t listen to my last message_ ” she did. And she had listened to thirty-two of them over the past week. Sometimes she apologies, sometimes she gave updates on world killers, sometimes she talked about good old times, sometimes she just talked about nothing in particular. Lena had imagined her walking around in her loft in her pjs, barefoot for some reason talking about her day. Kara had talked more in last week than in the month before that. Lena imagined what it would be like to come home to her someday, and she can talk about everything and nothing and Lena would listen, she could do that for hours. She liked falling asleep to Kara’s voice, she imagined doing that every night. She imagined what it would feel like to fall asleep in her arms as she was still talking. Was that still a possibility? Was that ever a possibility? “ _I’m sorry. You have to know hurting you was never my intention. Talk to me. Fight with me if you want to just talk to me. I’m going to Sam’s mother’s place. Reign will come there. I might have to fight her. Actually, I will most definitely have to fight her. I wanted to hear your voice before that_.” there was a pause. “ _I miss you Lena. Call me, please_ ” the message ended. She had missed her too. She had missed her very much. She didn’t know when or how she had forgiven Kara. She wished she had picked up the phone then but it wasn’t too late. She can still talk to Supergirl… Kara… SuperKara later when she sees her later today. Hopefully after they had saved Sam.

**

Lena saw Sam’s mother hug her and reassure her. Sam was back, she was safe and alive. Supergirl was safe and alive.

“You did it, you saved Sam” Supergirl said. Kara, she was going to settle for just Kara for now. She was going to ask her, her real name sometimes but Kara sounds wonderful. She will always be Kara in Lena’s mind. She couldn’t help but smile. She went towards her. It was so great to see her again. She wanted to touch her, to hug her, to never let her go. Kara had that big goofy smile on her face and Lena couldn’t believe she was ever mad at her. The past was in the past. Kara might not have trusted her in the past but they were going to start anew. With trust and complete honesty. “Yeah” she said. “And I did it without Kryptonite.”

Kara did that smile and sigh thing she always does when she is relived and, in that moment, Lena knew with complete certainty that everything was going to be fine. She felt sharp pain in her back which quickly turned to numbness. Then it spared and took over her. It come quickly and slowly. It took over her immediately and it took over her for the rest of eternity. Despite the numbness she felt something, before her life was sucked out of her completely, she felt someone hold her. She felt arms, Kara’s arms. She didn’t have to guess; she knew for certain that Kara was holding her. So much to say, so much to do, so much to hear.

She saw Kara’s smile, she saw Kara sitting beside her, and they were snuggling together on her couch, in her loft. They were in their PJs, Kara was talking, she was holding her, she was running her hand through Lena’s hair. She saw herself falling asleep in her arms. It had never happened but Lena saw it like it was happening right in front of her. She saw a grave at night, someone was sitting in front of it. She thought it was hers. That she was dead, a ghost and was watching over what happened. She thought it was Kara who was sitting in front of her grave. But it wasn’t her grave, it was Kara’s, and the person sitting in front of her was herself. Then for a fraction of a second before the end she was back to reality. She was back in Kara’s arms. She was going to fall asleep in her arms forever. 


	3. Almost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to mention two things.  
> First my knowledge of American Laws comes from watching American TV series, I do not understand how the fifth Amendment works so for now just go with it.  
> Second there is some fluff in this. Don't be fooled by it.

“I can’t believe you talked me into this.” Lena said. Brunch on a Sunday with a friend. That was new but she liked it. “I can’t believe you convinced me to eat kale” Kara complained. “I’ve seen what you eat and it terrifies me” Lena said. Kara threw down the fork and pushed away her plate. “don’t be” she said. She got up from her side of the booth and sat beside Lena. “perks of being me” she said in a hushed tone “is that I can eat whatever I want. I don’t need your kale” she smiled. That was new information, but it made sense. There was a lot about Alien physiology Lena didn’t knew. “oh! that sounds great” she said, meaning it. “so” she continued, “can you get drunk” Kara tilted her head ever so slightly and gave her a look she couldn’t place before answering. “No. But you already knew that didn’t you” _fuck_. “I thought so, I just wanted to know for sure”

“Lena” she said.

“what?”

“come on now, you want me to believe Lex Luthor does not know what kind of toxins does and doesn’t work on Kryptonians? And that you don’t know about it on top of that?”

Lena didn’t have anything to say.

“Lena” Kara said like she was scolding a child and managed to keep her voice hushed at the same time. “I’ve told you the biggest secret of my life” she said turning towards her, propping her elbow on the top of the seat, “So why are you hiding something from me?”

“you will get mad” Lena said sheepishly. She wasn’t use to this feeling.

“No, I won’t. Spill” she said in the same tone.

“I’ve read through my brother’s _research_ and things he wrote were horrifying. He was consumed by hate and anger, and I don’t want to believe half of his plans were true, or possible. My plan was to pry something out of you, starting small” Lena looked away. She knew she had ruined it. “Really small” Kara said. “Are you mad” Lena asked. “no” Kara said. “but you could have just told me. If you want to know something Lena just ask. We are partners remember?”. That was a huge relief. “I will next time” she said. “So does this mean we can’t come here, since you don’t have to eat healthy?”

“Do you like this place?” Kara asked

“I do actually” Lena said. “well then” Kara said as she pulled the plate towards her, “I guess I can eat kale once in a while” she eats a tiny bit while trying to keep a straight face. Lena couldn’t. “don’t laugh” Kara chided. But she joined her after a second.

**

“I love it Lena” Kara stood in front of her full-length mirror in her loft. Lena was sitting on her couch. She was trying out her new suit. Kara had complained about the skirt many times, and Lena has suggested she should change it. Kara explained that her costume is kinda how people recognize her. She had to stick to the skirt. Lena wasn’t going to have any of that. She made her a new suit, better than what Kara and Winn cooked up here two years ago. She knew Kara would like it and she did.

“Told you” she said with a smirk. “Somethings missing though” Kara said. Lena got up and walked towards her. “Like what?” Kara tilted her head here and there, then shrugged. “I don’t know”

Lena put a hand on her shoulder and turned her around to face her. She ran a hand through Kara’s hair, then down her other shoulder and arm, examining what was missing. When she looked up at Kara, she had a strange looked on her face. Lena wanted to say she was shocked but that wasn’t quit it. “I think it’s the hair” Lena said. “hair?” Kara repeated. “yeah we should do something with it” Lena said. Kara blinked twice. “I use to have bangs” she said “when I first came here”. Lena freed her hand from Kara’s not realizing she was holding it, took some of Kara’s hair in her hand and held it so she can visualize what she would look like with bangs. “I think you can pull that off” she said, not knowing why she was whispering.

She felt Kara’s hand around her waist, pulling her closer, she took her hand off Kara’s shoulder and wrapped it around her neck as Kara’s lips touched hers. She ran her other hand through Kara’s hair, she felt herself be pulled even closer to her. She thought she was floating before realizing her feet were really off the ground. The whole world slowed down and stopped, and there were only two of them. Kryptonians tasted so sweet, or maybe it was just Kara. She pulled away to breath, and was met with stunning blue eyes. Kara smiled and she felt herself smile with her. She pulled her towards her, there lips met, their bodies were so close she thought they could become one. Kara was holding her up with such an ease. They kissed for an eternity but broke it off too early. She was gasping for air, Kara looked stunned but fine overall. She put her down and Lena adjusted her dress. Five seconds ago, she was in heaven, now she had never felt more awkward. 

“So, bangs right?” Kara asked. “yeah” Lena said. “good, great. We should do this more often” Kara said and after a second she started laughing. “Definitely” Lena said joining her.

**

“You realize you just implied to the whole world that we are secretly married right?” Kara said, but here was no anger in her voice. “I know” Lena groaned.

“There is fanart of us out there” Kara continued.

“I know”

“we have a ship name. Superluthor is trending right now.”

“I know Kara”

“It’s a good thing I love you, then. Otherwise we would have disappointed a lot of people”

“I know… wait what?” Lena sat up from Kara’s lap, turned around and looked at her. They were in Kara’s loft, cuddling on her couch watching news. Everywhere they looked, people were talking about them.

“I love you” Kara said. Lena’s heart fluttered and she didn’t even realize she was grinning. “Kara, I love you too”. She took Kara’s face in both of her hands and kissed her. They Kissed for a long time. Lena only broke it once in a while to whisper “I love you so much” against Kara’s lips. In Past few months she had learned a lot about Alien physiology. That night she discovered few more things she hadn’t on any previous nights. There was a lot of new information, but she wasn’t surprised. She heard Kara whisper her name afterwards, when she wasn’t sure she was awake or asleep.

** 

Lena knew this was the end, she Knew Kara wouldn’t do it. Reveling her identity to the world was too much to ask. It’s going to put a target on everyone’s back. Kara would never risk the life of everyone she loved for Lena. That’s why she loved her didn’t she? Kara would always make the right decision. Maybe she will find a way to save her without revealing her identity.

It was hard to keep track of time, maybe it has been only a few minutes, or maybe the hour was almost up, she couldn’t tell. She hoped Kara wouldn’t blame herself. She wished she could tell her that. Tell her she was making the right choice. She wished she could see Kara one more time. She wished she could say goodbye.

_Lena._

Her eyes snapped open. It was Kara’s voice she knew it. But she was still locked in the container, she was hallucinating now. She closed her eyes. _Lena_. She heard again. She felt Kara’s arms wrapped around her from behind. Lena, she whispered. It sounded like she was in pain, like she needed her help. They were standing in the dark. No, they were floating in the dark. They were in space. She saw something, she saw a box with the El Mayarah symbol on it. She was crying and Kara’s hands gripped her tighter. 

_Lena._

She woke up suddenly as if from a nightmare. The darkness faded and she saw Kara. She didn’t know if she was dreaming or this was real. “Are you okay?” Kara asked. Her voice brought Lena back to her senses. She reached out for Kara, found her hands, Kara held onto her and pulled her from the container. “Just breath Lena” she said. Lena collapsed in her arms. She said something but Lena didn’t hear it. She was so relived, so happy to be in Kara’s arms. It was nothing like her nightmares. In her nightmare everything was cold and silent and numb, but Kara was warm and alive, and they were together now. It was almost perfect, almost.

And then the horror of what Kara has done struck her. She pulled away not caring if Corban was there and could see them. “What did you do?” she asked. She realized what Kara had whispered when they hugged. No, no it was bad. “I had to. You would have died otherwise. I had to Lena” Kara said. “What about everyone else?” she asked, then she realized something else. “Where is agent Liberty? Where is everyone?” She asked. That brought Kara to her senses. She picked up Lena and flew to the DEO. It was too late.

**

She was with Kara when they found Alex, when they found J’onn and Nia. Kara kept herself together when she found them, she kept herself together when media surrounded her. She didn’t answer a single question, she grabbed Lena and took off. Lena realized they were going to the fortress of solitude. Kara couldn’t keep herself together once they were there. Lena held her as she cried. Lena arranged for funerals, she appointed safety details to the few people agents of liberty had missed. She even sent a message to Superman. She took Kara away from it all, to an old Luthor property media can’t find.

Kara didn’t say much, didn’t do much. Lena didn’t approach her. She didn’t knew if Kara blamed her for what happened but she blamed herself. She couldn’t bring herself to look her in the eye. Weeks past and the world was burning. Heroes from elsewhere tried to stop it, but without the supes it was proving to be very difficult. Lena wanted to go out and do something but she couldn’t leave Kara. She didn’t knew what she could do to help. So she stayed there and waited. One-night Kara talked finally. “I did this once; lost almost everyone I love and move on from that. I don’t know if I can do that again Lena, I don’t know.” Lena pulled her towards her. It was the first time they had touched in weeks. Kara sobbed on her shoulder as they lay in bed. Kara talked that night, more than she had in past month. Lena ran her fingers through her hair and rubbed her back. She had no idea what they were going to do, what came next, how to save the world, but that didn’t mattered right then. The only thing that was important right then was Kara.

She heard Kara say her name, like she was in pain, like she needed her, like she did in her nightmare. When Lena didn’t knew if she was awake or asleep.


	4. I knew I could count on you.

She knew she had broken a lot, but she couldn’t tell what and how much. The pain wasn’t intense anymore, it was giving way to numbness. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t talk but she could see. Lex. This was Lex’s doing. Of course, her brother would find a way to screw her over even from behind bars. She should have known better. She saw chaos around her, she heard people screaming, she saw the city burning in the distance. No one was coming to help her.

Maybe she imagined it, she had lost so much blood it was definitely possible, she saw Supergirl. High above fighting drones. Just for a moment she thought Supergirl will see her and come to her rescue. Supergirl was after all the reason she moved here. This would be a strange way to meet her, she was hoping for something less life and death and more inviting her to be the chief guest to a function, but very well. She was afraid Supergirl might think she was already dead.

Supergirl destroyed the drone and flew away. She didn’t look down; she didn’t see Lena. Maybe she was hallucinating, maybe Supergirl didn’t leave her to die alone. Maybe she saw something even more dangerous and she will come back. There were distant sounds of blasts and people screaming, but the sky right above her was clear. Supergirl had just been there. Lena kept her eyes open, hoping, praying for Supergirl to return. She could do nothing but to lay there and wait. The sky remained clear. Nothing happened, no one came. At least no one she needed.

Lena closed her eyes. This was it. She would never salvage the Luthor name, she would always be known as Lex Luthor’s little sister. She will always live in the shadow of her family, she will never meet Supergirl, she would never be able to show how much she was capable of. This was it; this was the end. She felt nothing, she wanted nothing. The hope inside her died before it fully came into existence. It was foolish to hope for anything good, not if you are Lena Luthor. She should have known that from the beginning. She might not even be remembered as Lex’s sister because she might not be remembered at all. Supergirl didn’t see her, didn’t notice her when she was right below her so why would the rest of the world care?

Would anyone find her here? Would anyone care? Sam? Andrea? Lillian? Anyone? Would any of them care? She didn’t feel sad, she felt nothing. She should have known from the beginning that no one would care, she was a fool to think anyone would. No one saw her, no one heard her, no one will remember her. She will die here alone and no one will care. Lena accepted that and let go. She wasn’t afraid of death.

**

 _Lena_. She heard a voice call. The voice was familiar but she couldn’t place it. The voice was pleading her. She thought just for a second that Supergirl had come for her after all. That she was sitting beside her, because she thought that voice belonged to Supergirl. She opened her eyes with much difficulty.

Lillian was sitting beside her. She tried to move, she couldn’t. She tried to talk she couldn’t. She tried to turn her head to look at her mother properly, she couldn’t. Lillian wasn’t looking at her. She wasn’t even aware Lena was awake. She was talking to her thinking Lena couldn’t listen. Lena pretended to still be unconscious.

“.. well she had her cousin’s help so that’s not really fair now is it?” Lillian was saying. “They think they are so powerful, don’t they? We will show them real power Lena. Your brother thought you were of no use, he can still be such a child, so short sighted. But I know better. I know you can be useful Lena. Blood is very strong thing. And you are a Luthor, you might not know it but it doesn’t make you any less of a Luthor. No, your brother is wrong. I can still use you. Why trust stranger when you have your family right? Don’t worry Lena I’m going to fix you right up.” She patted her hand and got up. She rummaged around in the room, adjusted some settings on a machine beside the bed. “I will see you tomorrow Lena, sleep well”. She felt the lights switch off and the sound of a door opening and closing.

She opened her eyes. She saw a couple of blinking lights from the corner of her eye, other than that she was in complete darkness. Where was she? How long has it been? She tried to speak only to realize there was a tube in her mouth. She felt plaster and bandages irritating her, and then slowly all her sensations came back. Everything hurt, from her head to tow but especially her chest. She felt an odd pressure there, she couldn’t tell what that was. She knew it wasn’t monitoring her heartbeat. Then she realized nothing was monitoring her heartbeat. There would be more light in the room if there was something monitoring it. She closed her eyes and tried to feel, tried to listen. Something was beating in her chest, but it wasn’t her heart.

**

So many lies, so much deception. What was she expecting? She was a Luthor. The only thing you can guarantee from a Luthor is they will stab you in the back. Either Lillian was going to betray her or she will have to betray Lillian. Lena had bid her time. She had stopped protesting; she had let her mother run experiments on her. Lillian was doing most procedures herself, Lena didn’t knew she was capable of that. She had literally ripped out Lena’s heart because it wasn’t good enough and replaced it with Kryptonite. She pumped her veins full of toxins in order to make her stronger. Lena let herself be used, she acted as a lab rat, she let her mother believe she was broken and wanted nothing. That wasn’t true. She wanted so much more.

She looked at the mess on the ground. She had no desire to clean it up. She didn’t really care about the blood stains or the odor that was soon to come. She felt a faint pleasure in a deep corner of her mind, now that Lillian was dead. That was rare these days.

For past two years Lena had only thought about her plan with cold detachment. She didn’t hope her mother would start caring about her, she didn’t hope anyone would come to rescue her. She didn’t hope at all. She waited and schemed and took the first opportunity to stab Lillian in the back, literally. Now it was to the next phase. To clearing Luthor name, to rebranding herself, to make people remember her, to do good in the world, to end Lex’s reign of terror and to finally meet Supergirl.

 _Lena_ , the reporter girl said. She had long ago realized the voice she was hearing was of a reporter from Catco magazine who came to take her interview the day of the accident, and not of Supergirl. She was surprised how clearly she remembered this girl. Blond hair tied in a ponytail, a white skirt and a pink sweater, glasses and a notepad she clutched in both hands. Why did she remember this girl? Why was she calling for help? Lena had stopped caring.

She saw the reporter girl in her dreams, after Lillian had tried something particularly painful. Lena saw herself as if she was seeing it from a distance, she saw herself crying in this girl’s arms at her office at L corp. The girl ran her hand through her hair and rubbed her back. When she was tied to the surgical table as Lillian performed her experiments, she imagined this girl holding her, soothing her. Lena couldn’t remember her name, couldn’t tell why she saw her over and over, why she never spoke anything other than Lena’s name in a strained voice but she was grateful for it. This fragment of her subconscious has been a better friend, a better family to her than anyone else in the world. She talked to this girl and she listened and only said one word in response.

“don’t give me that look” she said. the girl just stood there clutching her notepad. “I did what I had to do. I’m going to do a lot of thing you won’t like so if you want to go just leave right now”. The girl didn’t move. _Lena_ , she said. “I know it’s dangerous. You really think I haven’t thought this through? I know the risk but trust me it’s worth it” Lena said.

 _Lena_.

“Yes. I want this. If not this then what else. Look at me, I’m barely a human. I’m not who I use to be when I met you. This is the only thing to do I have to take down Lex that is the only way the world will be safe again. Are you with me?” She said.

 _Lena_.

“I know we will. We will succeed I promise” She said.

 _Lena_.

“I’m glad to hear that” she said with a ghost of a smile on her lips. “I knew I could count on you” 

**

She ended the broadcast and turned to look at the reporter girl. “She finally decided to show her face” she said to no one. The girl wasn’t there.

“Hey!” she called out. She didn’t knew her name or couldn’t remember it. She didn’t knew what to call her. this has never happened. Whenever she needed to talk the girl has been there. She knew the girl wasn’t real, she wasn’t insane but she couldn’t tell why now all of sudden she had disappeared. Calling out wasn’t going to help. She wasn’t panicking, not at all, there was a very simple explanation for the uneasiness she was feeling she just needed to detect it.

“Lena” she heard. See she wasn’t gone anywhere. But the way she said her name was different, which made Lena suspicious. Her suspicions were confirmed right away when the voice followed it with “It’s me”. No, it wasn’t the girl.

“it’s Supergirl” called the voice. She was finally going to meet her former idol. “it’s Kara” Supergirl said. _Kara?_

“who’s Kara?” She asked. Supergirl stood there, shocked. “Just a friend” she said. Lena got up. What was it? what felt off?

“You don’t know me, not really. You and I want the same thing. To do no harm” she said. They were both walking towards each other. Oh she had the audacity to say that. Lena remembered the clear sky. How dare she?

“Supergirl wants a world without harm? That’s rich. Where were you when my brother blew my helicopter out of the sky.” She knew exactly where she was. she wanted to see the look on Supergirl’s face when she realized what she had done. But she already looked guilty and pained. So she didn’t lingered she went on, “when my mother dragged my broken body to a laboratory and experimented on me instead of fixing me! Where were you when this world was ripped apart by seams?” She felt something she hadn’t in a long time. She was angry. “Where. Were. You?” she spat out.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there when it mattered” she said automatically, like she had done this before. “So am I” Lena said.

She managed to get a reaction out of the girl of steel when she showed her her heart, made out of Kryptonite. Pain, agonizing pain. Lex had made extensive notes on effects on Kryptonite on a Kryptonian, now she got to see it first-hand. She looked, took it all in and then shot at Supergirl.

It was nothing. What Supergirl was going through was nothing compared to what Lena went through. If she had looked down, things would be so different. “You don’t know the first thing about pain” she said kneeling in front of Supergirl. “I can show you, make you feel what I feel” she said. She had dreamt of this moment, she had told the girl how she would handle Supergirl when they met, and somehow, she wasn’t enjoying it. A part of her didn’t wanted to do it, but she knew she had to.

“I won’t fight you Lena” Supergirl said. There that was again. The feeling of something not being right. But it was a matter of principles. She needed to do this and Supergirl just made it a whole lot easier. “Then you will die screaming” she said as she got up. Then she shot, knowing it will kill Supergirl for certain.

She saw her face, in pain, in agony, and it reminded her of the face of the reporter girl. _And who are you exactly?_ She had asked _. I’m Kara Danvers, I’m not with daily planet, I’m with Catco magazine, sort of._ The reporter girl has said.

 _No, no, no_.

She could have stopped, she could have said something, she could have processed it all properly if only she had a few more seconds. Kara was the first one to vanish, then her pain and then everything else. 


	5. Don’t worry it’s not real

Supergirl landed on her balcony with a bag of donuts in her hands. But then she realized it wasn’t her balcony, they were at the DEO. She smiled and Lena smiled despite herself. “You like donuts, right?” she asked. “I’m only human” Lena said taking it from her. “come on” Supergirl said. She took Lena’s hand in hers and led her inside. Except they weren’t inside of the DEO they were in Supergirl’s loft. Supergirl wasn’t wearing her suit. She was… no. Wait they weren’t friends. What was she doing here? No, she shouldn’t be here but it would be rude to leave, so she stayed.

“If you wan to know something Lena, just ask. We are partners remember?” Supergirl said. “Why did you bring me here?” she asked. “We are not friends anymore. Donuts won’t buy my forgiveness.” she said. Supergirl pouted. That was so cute but Lena didn’t admit it. “I can try. Come eat one, just one, please Lena?” She said. Lena sighed and sat beside her. They were wearing PJs, and it was nighttime already. That was odd. Lena took a donut in her hand and took a small bite. Kara… no Supergirl had a bad influence on her. “The way you eat terrifies me” she said. Supergirl giggled. Lena ignored the fluttering in her chest. “Come here” she said and pulled Lena towards her.

Lena collapsed into her, Kara held her firmly, put a hand on her cheek and pulled her face towards hers. And then they were kissing. Kryptonians tasted so sweet or maybe it was just Kara. She broke the kiss off to take a breath. She looked down and gasped. They were flying above the city; Supergirl was wearing her suit again. She had an arm around Lena’s waist and other around her neck. Lena cupped her face and pulled her closer. Right before Kara’s lips touched hers she heard her say “I love you so much Lena”. Then their lips met. Time had no meaning anymore; she was glad about that. Her hands were all tangled up into Kara’s hair, and Kara kept pulling her closer, greedily. She wasn’t surprised, she knew Supergirl was selfish. Her mouth moved in sync with her hands and Lena was struggling to keep up. She broke off every once in a while, but before she had recovered fully Kara pulled her in. And that greedy Kryptonian didn’t just stop at Lena’s mouth. She went down towards her neck, and had intention of going further. So greedy but not yet. She put a finger under Kara’s chin and gently redirected her towards her lips. It worked for a while but Kara still wanted more. Lena wanted it too but she knew she couldn’t, that she shouldn’t.

“why not” Supergirl asked. Lena pushed her away and took a few steps back. There were standing in an empty DEO. “Lena what’s wrong?” Supergirl asked again approaching and then suddenly stopped. Green veins became visible on her face but she looked more shocked than in pain. Lena looked down knowing what would be there. Where her heart should be there was a huge piece if kryptonite. It must hurt Supergirl but she didn’t cry out. “Lena” she said in a strained voice. She rolled her eyes into her head and fell down. Lena caught her before she hit the ground. She fumbled around her and found the compact Kryptonite resistant suit she made in the other universe for Supergirl. She pressed it on her chest, nothing happened. She did it again and then again, nothing.

She heard murmurs and looked up. Sam, Alex and Brainy were talking in a corner far away. Alex looked angry, Brainy looked sad and Sam looked disgusted. They saw her staring. Sam wrapped an arm around Alex’s shoulder and led her away. Brainy followed them. In their place stood Lex and Lillian. They looked happy and … proud? Lillian gave her a smile and Lex nodded in approval. “go away!” she screamed. They did. And in their place stood Kara. She looked down and realized she was no longer cradling Supergirl’s body in her arms. She was no longer at the DEO. She was at Supergirl’s grave. She was sitting on her knees in front of it. The Kara that was standing in front of her wore White skirt, pink sweater, ponytail and glasses, just like the day they met. “What did you do Lena?” she asked. “I didn’t mean to.” Lena sobbed. “I hate you but I would never… I would never Kara you have to believe me” she said. “I use to believe in you. I can’t anymore. I give up Lena.” Kara said. She walked away. Lena wanted to scream behind her, plead her to stay, but she didn’t. it was a matter of principle.

Lena woke up in cold sweat. She had drifted off while working. It was just a nightmare, just a dream, it wasn’t real. She got up from her chair and walked towards the kitchen. She was going to go for the liquor cabinet but at the last moment decided against it. Baby steps. She went for tea instead. The way Supergirl has said her name had sent chills down her spine. She couldn’t understand why. She had heard and seen Supergirl in much worse conditions, so why this one time from a dream seem to haunt her. Something else about the dream haunted her. The way she had kissed Supergirl or… no Supergirl. She would be lying if she said she never had dreams like those but this one was different. It felt less like a fantasy and more like a memory. And holding her like that… when she was… that felt like a memory too but it was more distant and faded. She had plenty of nightmares before but this one somehow felt more real than past few weeks have in some ways.

That’s why she was glad to see Supergirl land on her balcony. So that she can know for sure what was dream and what was reality. That was the only reason. There was a perfectly simple explanation why her heart fluttered, she just needed to detect it.

“Let me guess” she said. She started walking towards Supergirl but she stood still. She didn’t come in. Lena ignored that and continued, “You are here to tell me once again that I should forgive you, or maybe that I shouldn’t work with my brother”. She knew her too well.

“Not this time” Supergirl said. That made Lena pause. “I recognize I made a mistake in hiding my identity from you for so long, but the past is the past and I can’t change it”. She had some nerve, did she really expected Lena to forgive her just like that? “Forgive me or not that’s your choice” Supergirl said and continued that with, “Just like it’s your choice to work with Lex. I’m done blaming myself for your bad decisions”. Lena kept herself composed. She had to. “Then why are you here?” she asked. “To tell you that from now on, you are accountable for your own actions” she said as she took a few steps forward. Lena had the urge to take a step back but she resisted, she stood still.

She thought Supergirl’s brilliant blue eyes, which were very cold right then could pierce through her soul. “If you decide to forgive me, I’ll be there for you. But if you continued to work with Lex, if you go through whatever it is the two of you are planning, I’ll do everything in my power to stop you.” Supergirl said. Lena wanted to yell at her, but she stayed composed. Now was not the time. Supergirl started to leave. “Just like I would any other villain” she said before she flew away.

Lena looked at the spot where she had stood. How dare she? She had the audacity to say… Lena has never blamed her for her actions. Supergirl was the one who always insisted on it. Supergirl thought she has some kind of power over Lena, that she had managed to turn Lena into a monster. She was wrong. And what choice did she leave Lena Other than working with Lex? Did she though, did she actually thought Lena was working with her brother willingly? How could she? Working with Lex was her last resort because Supergirl has made it impossible to work with her. Past is the past? So now what they become friends again and save the world hand in hand?

But that’s not what Supergirl has said. No, Supergirl has said Lena was on her own now. She has said I haven’t been treating you like the enemy but I will from now on. She had said she no longer believed in her, she has said if Lena was going to act like a Luthor then Supergirl will treat her like one. Lena thought when Kara hid her secret from her, she was treating her like the enemy, like a villain. But that was nothing. What just happened, what Kara … no Supergirl just did, that was treating her like enemy. Supergirl had said she was giving up. She wasn’t sure if she was awake or still asleep because it sure felt like a nightmare, but she wouldn’t admit why. She knew, but she refused to let it come to the surface. She felt lost and alone, far more than usual. But what could she do? She wasn’t ready to forgive her. She could do nothing but to stand there and look at the spot where Kara had disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I've managed to ruin your day. Thank you for reading.


End file.
